Mission 'Eliminate Keane': Week 2
Good morning troops.
My, isn't life hard? Not only do we have to contend with the daily grind of the old nine to five, not only do the ravages of the passing days and years take their toll on our physical, nee, mental wellbeing, and yet another day passes when we have to suffer gladly the fools who blight our life while we go about our chores; the postman who leaves packages on the doorstep and doesn't knock, the imbecile who shortchanges you at Tesco, the gary boy in his super-dupered-up 1985 Ford Escort. NOT ONLY do we have to contend with this steaming maelstrom of bovine manure, but then along come the evil, pre-pubescent harpies who are Keane, sponsored by Satan yet wearing the 'cherubic' (© Troubled Diva) gurning visage of some demented angel, singing about some den of iniquity where 14-year olds can go and fiddle with each other. It's awful! THEY are awful! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!
If their music wasn't bad enough (which it is), if their attire and general annoyingly fop-haired appearance wasn't excuciating enough (which it is), and if having to put up with the bombardment of Keane-related advertising, news and the constant steady stream of their monotonous noise ALL THE TIME, like Chinese water torture, wasn't enough to make your eyes roll back in to your head (which it most certainly is); as if all this wasn't enough, AND IT IS, we artistically minded sorts then have to contend with the unbelievably banal album and single art which they and the Bastard Whoremongers© who promote them chuck in our general direction. It's dross! It's throwaway vomit-inducing crud! It looks like they spent the best part of a fiver on it. It's that bad. Let's have a look at Exhibits A and B:
On the left we have an example of how NOT to do it, and on the right we have an excellent example of how to do it just right, yeah baby. Change the words and Keanes' debut album may as well be the 1956 pressing of Schuberts' 4th Symphony played by the Kiev Philharmonic Orchestra. Compare this to Basement Jaxxs' effort. There's no way you could mistake this for the work of some classical dude is there? A white monkey with a bright pink background? If Keane want to gain some credibility (and I for one, don't think that THAT is part of their masterplan) then they really should get someone with half a brain cell to design their next LP cover for them. I mean, yes it's true, Coldplay have had massive worldwide appeal despite having possibly the most boring sleeve art in the history of civilisation, but in their favour they have a) guitars, b) no annoying whiny tosser singing, and c) they did it first. Keane should have looked and gone, "hey, we like what you've done here, but your records look well boring", but they didn't. It's almost like they admired Coldplays' 'art'. Hmm. If anyone needed it, here is a sure sign that they haven't got a f**king clue. Please, anyone, put them out of their misery.
So anyway, this weeks wonderlinks, in order of stupidity, are:
- This pile of sh** is apparently, according to Google, 'THE fan site about the East-Sussex band Keane'. Well. It looks more like a pile of crap to me, and the person who made it is obviously a moron. I mean, since when is a hyphen required in the middle of East Sussex?
- This site is more scary than funny. Enjoy the finest minds at The Guardian, The Times and Time Out eulogising about Keanes' greatness. The country is in poor hands. Please excuse me while I pop to the loo for a quick cry.
- Jo Whiley in "Will Promote Any Old Sh** For For A Tenner" non-shocker. Worth it for the quotes alone. "I'm trying to become Robert Plant"? F*** off please?
- The news we've all been dreading.
- I have found a Brother In Arms! Pitchfork tells it like it bloody well is.