Mission 'Eliminate Keane': Week 2

2004-12-14T09:43:00.000Z

Good morning troops.

My, isn't life hard? Not only do we have to contend with the daily grind of the old nine to five, not only do the ravages of the passing days and years take their toll on our physical, nee, mental wellbeing, and yet another day passes when we have to suffer gladly the fools who blight our life while we go about our chores; the postman who leaves packages on the doorstep and doesn't knock, the imbecile who shortchanges you at Tesco, the gary boy in his super-dupered-up 1985 Ford Escort. NOT ONLY do we have to contend with this steaming maelstrom of bovine manure, but then along come the evil, pre-pubescent harpies who are Keane, sponsored by Satan yet wearing the 'cherubic' (© Troubled Diva) gurning visage of some demented angel, singing about some den of iniquity where 14-year olds can go and fiddle with each other. It's awful! THEY are awful! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!

If their music wasn't bad enough (which it is), if their attire and general annoyingly fop-haired appearance wasn't excuciating enough (which it is), and if having to put up with the bombardment of Keane-related advertising, news and the constant steady stream of their monotonous noise ALL THE TIME, like Chinese water torture, wasn't enough to make your eyes roll back in to your head (which it most certainly is); as if all this wasn't enough, AND IT IS, we artistically minded sorts then have to contend with the unbelievably banal album and single art which they and the Bastard Whoremongers© who promote them chuck in our general direction. It's dross! It's throwaway vomit-inducing crud! It looks like they spent the best part of a fiver on it. It's that bad. Let's have a look at Exhibits A and B:

On the left we have an example of how NOT to do it, and on the right we have an excellent example of how to do it just right, yeah baby. Change the words and Keanes' debut album may as well be the 1956 pressing of Schuberts' 4th Symphony played by the Kiev Philharmonic Orchestra. Compare this to Basement Jaxxs' effort. There's no way you could mistake this for the work of some classical dude is there? A white monkey with a bright pink background? If Keane want to gain some credibility (and I for one, don't think that THAT is part of their masterplan) then they really should get someone with half a brain cell to design their next LP cover for them. I mean, yes it's true, Coldplay have had massive worldwide appeal despite having possibly the most boring sleeve art in the history of civilisation, but in their favour they have a) guitars, b) no annoying whiny tosser singing, and c) they did it first. Keane should have looked and gone, "hey, we like what you've done here, but your records look well boring", but they didn't. It's almost like they admired Coldplays' 'art'. Hmm. If anyone needed it, here is a sure sign that they haven't got a f**king clue. Please, anyone, put them out of their misery.

So anyway, this weeks wonderlinks, in order of stupidity, are:

This pile of sh** is apparently, according to Google, 'THE fan site about the East-Sussex band Keane'. Well. It looks more like a pile of crap to me, and the person who made it is obviously a moron. I mean, since when is a hyphen required in the middle of East Sussex?
This site is more scary than funny. Enjoy the finest minds at The Guardian, The Times and Time Out eulogising about Keanes' greatness. The country is in poor hands. Please excuse me while I pop to the loo for a quick cry.
Jo Whiley in "Will Promote Any Old Sh** For For A Tenner" non-shocker. Worth it for the quotes alone. "I'm trying to become Robert Plant"? F*** off please?
The news we've all been dreading.

And finally something that doesn't make me want to cry:

I have found a Brother In Arms! Pitchfork tells it like it bloody well is.

Onwards to victory!!!

Oh happy day!

2004-12-06T13:11:00.000Z

Welcome, one and all, to this new-fangled spastastic anti-Keane lovely thing.

I have laboured like a fishwife and sweated like an octogenarian wrestler to get this baby off the ground, and I'm not upset at how it's turned out. All I need now is for the Great British Public, for it is you, to show me how much you despise crap music.

Keane are going to bear the brunt of this, for they have crippled my poor eardrums on far too many occasions for my liking. They think nothing of ruining my day just by uttering a couple of impolite parps in my general direction. In fact, when I think about the frequency with which I am bombarded by their bulls**t songs on a day to day basis, I am quite staggered. On average I must hear their latest ditty (whatever it's called) six times a day. SIX! That's more than THIRTY times a week! There has to be a law against this kind of thing. I want to start a petition. Enough names and I'm writing to my local MP to get this ridiculous situation sorted out. Radio stations and TV networks should only be allowed to play any song, even the good ones, once a day max. Think about it, how often do you see or hear that song you really really love? Never! Yet the ones you really truly despise, loathe, hate more than anything in the history of humankind? All the f**king time. It's a frankly bollocks state of affairs, and I for one ain't gonna take it anymore! Yeah!!

So anyway, Keane. How did these guys get famous? What exactly is it that people like about them? At least Coldplay were something different when they came along, and might at one time have had some good songs, but these guys... The mind boggles. I remember reading something last year about them being The Next Big Thing. I think they won some award too. What was it? 'Most Likely To Succeed' I think. That rubber-stamped their ridiculously meteoric rise to the top of all sorts of charts didn't it? And how simple it is to see what a few million squiddlies spent on advertising and promotion will do. And now Tom, Dick, Harry (I wouldn't be surprised if those were their names), Brenda, Sheila and Phyllis can all buy the latest Keane wank at their nearest newsagent, and admire their chubbily moccasined feet on any old television screen they fancy. The twats are everywhere! I walk in to work and they're on the radio. I turn on the telly and there will be an advert on urging me to buy their 'brilliant' (the loosest usage of that word I've ever heard) new album, or fantastic (ditto) new single. I walk to the shops to get my tea, and there's a huge bloody advert for them in some shop window. A car goes by and one of their godawful songs is blaring out. How do I escape this living hell???

Maybe with your help I can regain some normality in my life. And maybe I'll be able to walk in to work without fearing for my poor ears. All you need to do is email me your thoughts and I shall put them on this site for all the world to see. I can't be the only person who thinks like this. There are more Keane-haters out there aren't there?
Maybe you think Keane are shit but don't find them too offensive, but you despise Anastasia. That's good too! Because she's shite as well. Any other band, singer, or musician who you hate, send me the details, your opinion and most importantly WHY you hate them so, and bob's your fanny, they'll be popping up on here too.

I envisage this one running and running.

*****************

Some tasty morsels for you on this momentous day:

Some twats talk about Keane. Why do these people bother?
A generic BBC robot reviews Keanes' album. Somebody buy this dickwad an opinion.
Another BBC knobber. 'Keane so keen about Norwich' eh? In my humble opinion that just about says it all.
American Keane-loving fools this time. First Bush, now Keane. My opinion of our friends across the pond has gone down severely in the last couple of months...
This is brilliant. Single people with one thing in common. They like Keane! If anyone feels like contacting one of these idiots, getting their hopes up, and then unceremoniously dumping them because of their shite taste, feel free. And be sure to send me the video.

I Hate Keane

Mission 'Eliminate Keane': Week 2

Oh happy day!